Author: reneelarrwrites

7 Things All Children of Single Parent Homes Have in Common

Growing up, I was child of a single parent home. My dad wasn’t around or even involved in any way. I don’t know the reasoning or thought process of him not being involved from one side or the other. I just know he wasn’t. And, honestly, lately I have decided that is enough for me. I’m a very introspective person and am constantly looking at things I do and trying to figure out why I do them. I’ve long since noticed these things in myself but recently noticed some other friends

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They’re used to fending for themselves. As a child in a single parent home, most days I got myself off the bus, got home and hung out alone doing homework until my mom got home from work. There wasn’t always money for a baby-sitter or day care. I was very used to being on my own and handling my business. It’s so weird but now I enjoy other people NOT having to fend for themselves. I don’t want the people I care about or love to have to do everything on their own like I did as a kid.

They feel bad for putting more work on the one parent they do have. As a kid in a single parent home, you take on more adult responsibilities because you don’t want to add to your mom or dad’s stress. I have always wanted to please my mom because she was the only parent I had around growing up. In my eyes, if I could something that made her life easier (because she’s done a lot for me!) and not put so much stress on her, I would do it.

They’re subliminally trying to be a better person than the parent that wasn’t around. It’s always in the back of my head. I will never put anyone else (children or no children) in the situation I was in as a child. I always want to be a better person than the person that chose not to be a part of my life. I don’t want to make others feel the way I felt growing up. I have consistently made choices in my life to a better person than the parent that wasn’t around.

 

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They need constant approval and praise. It’s a hard thing to love a person who came from a single parent home. When Austin and I first met, I was always trying to get his approval or praise. Probably to the point of annoyance. I constantly needed to be reinforced that he care about me or loved me. You’re seeking the praise you never got from the parent that isn’t there. It’s hard for the other person to understand that you’re only this way because you have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment.

They need to be in control. Oh, man. I am a CONTROL FREAK. If I can plan something vs. having someone else make decisions for me I will do it. I would rather be the person making my decisions. It boils down to this…as a child you didn’t have control over being a child in a single parent home. You didn’t have control over the other parent not being there. And it felt terrible. So, in your mind, you want to control everything you can so you don’t ever feel like a bystander in your own destiny.

They feel guilty. Guilt is the worst human emotion possible. I felt guilty all the time for my other parent not being there. It’s almost as if you think YOU’RE the reason the other parent chose to leave. Throughout the years, I have come to realize that was a choice made by a grown up that had zero to do with me. But, that didn’t mean I didn’t still feel guilty the parents wasn’t there. Feelings of guilt then cause you to go overboard in other ways.

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They don’t know how to maintain romantic relationships. This one is especially tough. When you grow up in a single parent home, you don’t always grow up around a healthy, adult, romantic relationship. For a lot years, I searched for just anyone because it meant I had someone. As I moved through life, I realized just having someone is different than having someone of quality in my life. By the time, I met the right person…I did all the wrong things. I was jealous, clingy, untrusting. It’s taken a lot of years to move past those feelings and not make him pay for me not having a dad around as a kid.

These are just a few commonalities I have noticed in children of single parent homes. What have you noticed in yourself or others?

 

 

5 Reasons I Started Meditating and So Should You

Honesty time. I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. They set us up for failure. Every year, it seems people are focused on changing their body physically. I try to focus on fitness throughout the year, but I’ve never really sat down to think about what I need to be doing for myself mentally. As women, we tend to focus on ourselves last which can be downright detrimental to our health. I’m not immune to this taking care of everyone else before I take care of me. It causes me terrible stress and anxiety. When I feel this way I start to lash out at others.

Recently, I came across Eat Pray Love on Bravo. If you aren’t aware, it stars Julia Roberts as a woman going through severe emotional trauma after getting divorced. She decides to take a year long sabbatical to travel the world and find herself. She spends 3 months in India working on her spirituality by meditating. I was curious about meditating as I tend not to be able to control my thoughts—read anxiety. I decided I would look for a meditation app and give it a try.

 

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Here are my top 5 reasons why I have began meditating and so should you.

It gives me 20 minutes to myself. As women, we tend to put ourselves last. I’m not a mother to children, but I do have an aging parent and in-laws, a husband, friends and dogs. A variety of people who need something from me. You get the point. Some days I get through the day, and I feel like I haven’t done one thing for myself. Meditation forces you take 20 minutes of alone, quiet time to think about your mind and body.

It forces you to look at how your thoughts, positive or negative, have a cause and effect. Look at thoughts as a seed. If you plant a seed, a flower will grow. If you plant a positive thought (the cause), you will have a positive outcome (the effect). The same goes for negative thoughts. Once you plant that negative thought, only negative effects can come out of it. It all starts and ends with your one thought. Meditation teaches you that you have the power to choose.

 

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It’s a great way to begin and end each day with positivity. How many of us wake up in the morning dreading what we have to do that day? I know I do. If you begin your morning with meditation, you’re forced to start out with positive thoughts, positive seeds. It gives you the mental capacity to get through the workout or meeting you’re dreading. At the end of most days, I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. Meditating before bed helps to control your central nervous system which helps you relax. Relaxing means you’re able to fall asleep and stay asleep.

 

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It helps me control my emotions throughout the day. I have a tendency to spiral out of control in my own head. When I get emotional or stressed, I tend to lash out at those closest to me. I don’t like it at all, and am working to control it. When I start to feel annoyed and before I lash out, I focus on why. Thinking before reacting. I’m a very reactionary person. Forcing myself to think first helps me to not be ruled by emotion.

It eases my anxiety both physically and mentally. If you’ve never dealt with anxiety before, you’re lucky. It’s very hard to understand if you’ve never experienced it. I get anxiety about EVERYTHING. It’s crazy. I worry about things like a plane crashing into our house and then a fire starting and then the dogs dying and then Austin being upset. See how quickly that spiraled out of control? That’s an every day thing for me. Meditation focuses on breathing along with controlling your thoughts. Anxiety takes a physical toll on the body, as well as mentally. It helps calm me and get my heart rate under control. I’m not sure I ever get rid of having anxiety, but with meditation I can help to control how far I let it go.

 

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Meditating certainly won’t change what is going on in your life, but it will help you deal with the things in life causing you stress. Take 20 minutes out of your day to check it out.

Love,

Your Resident Mental Basketcase ; )

Renee

 

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Dish-y Author Renee tells all about how meditation has helped her to reel in time for herself on a daily basis and keep excessive anxiety under control.

The Ultimate Guests’ Guide for Thanksgiving

Chances are if you’re not hosting Thanksgiving in your home, you’ll be attending a dinner at someone else’s house. It can be intimidating showing up to a Thanksgiving dinner with friends. Do I bring a dish? Do I know what my host’s hospitality agreement is and what that even means? Well, fear not, friends. Here is your ultimate guide to being the best guest at Thanksgiving dinner.

 

Always Ask Before Bringing a Dish or Dessert-I mentioned this in my previous post, but for hosts Thanksgiving is their Super Bowl. Chefs love to determine the menu well in advance. Some people will even have a theme. While it’s very nice to offer to bring something, always ask your host what you can bring. You don’t need two types of corn. If you’re asked to bring a specific item, bring that and nothing else. Most of the time, the items you’re bringing are an added bonus to the menu for the host.

 

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Always Bring a Gift-If you’re not bringing a side dish, make sure to always bring some type of gift for the host. This is just simple manners, but sometimes easily overlooked. Wine always goes over well. In my house especially. Hey! Try to find out a little about your host before you decide on a gift. You might have to do some homework. Put those hours of Facebook stalking to good use.

 

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Don’t Go Overboard-If you aren’t able to find any clues about your hosts likes and dislikes from your Facebook stalking, a mid-range bottle of wine is always good. Personally, I think an easy drinking wine like Pinot Noir suits most palates. This is one my favorites. Or, a small journal for the host to keep track of their Thanksgiving dinners is always a thoughtful gift.

 

Stay Out of The Kitchen-Unless you’re asked to do something in the kitchen or the host says it’s okay to hang out there, hang out somewhere else. There are a lot of moving parts to hosting dinner, and a lot of that occurs in the kitchen. For a cook, to have to work around people standing in front of their drawers or oven is just plain annoying.

Make Yourself Useful in Other Ways-Offer to get other guests their drinks. Play bartender. Or, offer to set the table. Jump on clearing the table. Wash dishes. Take out garbage. All of these little things are extremely helpful to a host. After dinner is served a host typically feels like they can relax. Let them enjoy that moment.

 

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Don’t Get Too Drunk-No one likes Drunk Uncle. Well, we do, but you don’t want to be that guy. Keep your drinking in check until children are gone or the hosts have began letting their guard down. And for heaven’s sake, don’t drink all the hosts booze. At least bring something to offer and share.

Acknowledge the Host’s Hospitality Agreement-What I mean by this is as a guest it’s important to make some sort of verbal acknowledgment of the hosts rules. I love hearing a guest say ‘It’s your day, tell me how I can help. I’ll do whatever you need’. You are validating to the host you know how stressful hosting can be.

 

Bring a Dish that Doesn’t Require Much Work-Great! You’re bringing a side dish. Awesome. Thanks so much. Don’t bring something you will have to assemble in the host’s kitchen. If it’s a dish the host can pop in the oven, great. If it’s something that can go in the fridge, even better. A simple Caprese salad is always a great addition.

 

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What for the Host to Offer a To Go Box-Don’t assume there will be enough food for you to take in your doggy bag. Remember how I said it’s the Super Bowl for chef-y types? Typically, they have an idea already brewing in their head for what to do with that leftover turkey, and it doesn’t involve you. 

 

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If you follow these simple rules for attending Thanksgiving feasts, you will always be considered a great guest!

13 Rules to Live By When Hosting Thanksgiving

It can be a little daunting hosting Thanksgiving at your home. Will the turkey explode into a dried mess when you cut into it? Will your drunk uncle go off on a tangent about those Starbucks cups? Will people like the new chef-y recipe you came up with for stuffing stuffed artichokes? I have now hosted Thanksgiving in my home for the last three years. Here are a few rules to live by to make sure you end the day with your sanity and everything turns out beautifully.
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Determine Your Menu Well in Advance

First, brainstorm your menu. If you love to cook, (I hope you do! You’re hosting!) Thanksgiving is your Super Bowl. Many of us plan the menu months in advance, and more than likely, change the menu several times. With that being said, be flexible with changing it, if need be. Oh, your cousin who doesn’t eat meat is now coming? No problem! Add another veggie side dish. Always plan on extra, last-minute guests.

Have a Plan of Action for the Week of Thanksgiving

Have your grocery list ready to go the weekend prior to Thanksgiving. Get your groceries on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. Cut and prep veggies on Tuesday. Make your side dishes and pies on Wednesday. I make my dishes up until the point of needing baked. Then I refrigerate until Thursday.

Have a Written Plan of Action for the Day of Thanksgiving

I try to work backwards from the time I’d like to have dinner served. So, if I’m planning on serving dinner at 2pm, I need to work backwards to determine what time to get up, prepare the turkey and cook it. In a 325°F oven cooking times varies based on the weight of your bird.

  • An 8-12 pound turkey takes about 3-4 hours
  • 12 to 16 pound turkey takes about 4 hours
  • A 16-20 pound turkey takes about 5 hours
  • A 20 to 26 pound turkey takes 6 hours or more

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Remember, you should let your turkey rest for an hour at room temperature before roasting. Roast at 475°F for 30 minutes. Then turn the oven down to 350°F for the remaining time. If the skin is browning too quickly, simply cover it in foil. Should also let your turkey rest for 15 minutes before carving. The temperature of the turkey should be around 155°F, and no higher than 165°F. To take the temperature, place a meat thermometer into the thickest part of the thigh.

Invest in Space Saving Gadgets

I am lucky enough to have a double oven. With that being said, the turkey takes up one all on it’s own. I buy a 24 pound turkey, and yes, I’m crazy. So, there is no way all the side dishes can fit in the other oven without a little maneuvering. I found these handy dandy gadgets at Williams-Sonoma, and they are a life saver. They create vertical racks so that all your dishes fit.

Use Post-It Notes to Organize Cookware

If you want to use your favorite Rachel Ray dish for the green bean casserole, stick a Post-It Note in it that says green bean casserole. It just helps to visualize and keep you on track while cooking.

Have a Space for Guests to Hang Out

I know everyone loves to hang out in the kitchen. It’s the gathering place, and I get why. However, on Thanksgiving day, put your apps and snacks in a different room—the dining room, the living room, anywhere but your kitchen where you’re working. There is nothing worse than being stressed about the dinner, and having too many people in the kitchen seeing you cry into your lumpy gravy with your glass of Pinot Noir.

Create a Signature Cocktail

If you’re worried about your uncle getting too drunk before dinner, simply create a signature cocktail where you control the amount of alcohol guests consume. I usually create a sangria with a little wine, a little orange liqueur and club soda. This keeps guests out of the mixed drinks and straight up wine. It doesn’t keep me out of the Pinot Noir, but I’m hosting. I make the rules.

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Stick to What You Know

In my opinion, Thanksgiving isn’t the time to get crazy creative with your food. Risk taking is great. Just do it on a weeknight or well in advance of the big day. Don’t try to get too chef-y with your food. On Thanksgiving, most people are big on tradition. Stick to the basics. This will help alleviate stress when something new doesn’t turn out.

Always Have Snacks for Guests to Munch On

I always put out a veggie tray and a protein of some sort. Shrimp are a great option. The veggies will help fill them up with fiber and the protein will help keep hunger at bay. Stay away from serving bread. This fills the stomach, and you want them eating your perfectly cooked turkey and sumptuous side dishes.

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Don’t Focus too Much on Decor

If you’re hosting, the food is the star of your Super Thanksgiving Bowl—not the decor. Focus on the food. If you have a particularly creative or craft friend or spouse enlist their help. After all, most people care about the 3 F’s on Thanksgiving—food, family and football.

Don’t Be Afraid to Cheat Where You Can

Go ahead and use pre-made pie crust. It’s a time saver, and most of the time people only notice what is inside the crust anyway. I often buy frozen rolls. Again, it’s a time saver and no one really notices the difference.

Keep Track of Your Menu from Year-to-Year

Write down your full menu in a journal each year along with notes touching on what worked and what didn’t. I noticed after the first year, no one ate the sweet potatoes or pecan pie. So, not I don’t make a sweet potato side dish, and only serve pumpkin pie. This cuts down on waste, and helps with your planning.

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Enjoy the Moment

Remember, this is your Super Bowl. You’ve prepared for the big day months in advance. Take a minute to step back, look at your surroundings, listen to your screaming fans (your family) and just enjoy the moment. You did it! You hosted Thanksgiving without any major issues, and you deserve to find happiness in it.

Super Simple Summer Side Dish

In the hot summer months I try to keep our dinners at home as simple as possible. For us, that usually means a protein and a veggie. A lot of time it’s just a roasted veggie. (I’ll have to share my BAM! best broccoli ever recipe for you Dish-ers sometime. Anywho.

Austin got home early the other night and we decided to go out for a boat ride. By the time we got back I was starving which generally equates to poor eating choices for me. I decided to grill some boneless skinless chicken breasts on my countertop Cuisinart grill. (Side note: this little baby is a handy-dandy option if you don’t have a gas grill or don’t want to go to all the trouble.)

But what can I make for our side dish? I look around and I have a pack of Wild Wonders Gourmet Medley Tomatoes. If you don’t know about these juicy little babies you should. Previously, I have found them at Whole Foods and also Marsh Supermarkets. They come in a rainbow of oranges, yellows and reds in various shapes and sizes. Kinda like us. Am I right, ladies?

Wild Wonder Tomatoes

Wild Wonder Tomatoes

I decided to halve them and make a tomato, cucumber, red onion and dill salad. Of course, I quickly realize I’m out of dill which I had my heart on set on. So, I looked through my stockpile of herbs and decided to use basil instead. I decided I needed to add a little more veggies so I threw in some shredded carrots I had on hand.

I added garlic powder, salt, pepper and Salad Girl Lemony Herb Organic Salad Dressing I had on had. Now before you go throwing me to the wolves for buying a salad dressing I could probably make myself please realize sometimes convenience is key especially when you live with a man.

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Salad Girl Lemony Herb Organic Salad Dressing

Note: You’ll notice I’m not much of a measurer. When I say a dash of something use your taste buds to determine how much you need. They’re usually pretty accurate.

Super Simple Summer Side Dish | Recipe

Super Simple Summer Side Dish

Super Simple Summer Side Dish

Ingredients

  • 2 cups halved cherry tomatoes
  • 1 thinly sliced cucumber
  • 1/2 cup diced red onions
  • 1/2 shredded carrots
  • Dash of basil
  • Dash of garlic powder
  • 1/4 cup Salad Girl Lemony Herb Organic Salad Dressing
  • sea salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

Directions

Wash all veggies. Halve the tomatoes, thinly slice the cucumbers, chop the onions and shred the carrots. Add the basil, garlic powder, salt, pepper and dressing. Toss together and let sit until ready to serve. Enjoy!

7 Signs You’re in a Fantastic Place in Your Life

7 Signs You’re in a Fantastic Place in Your Life

A recent Today show segment mentioned that age 34 is the happiest time in a woman’s life. It was like a lighting bolt shocked me. I’m 34 right now. How does this year of my life compare to others? As I reflected on my life (the good and the bad) I realized this is the happiest I’ve ever been. But why? What’s changed? Here are a few things I’ve noticed have brought me to this fantastic place in my life.

  1. You’ve given up on the need to please everyone all the time.

I am a people pleaser. I know this. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to enjoy themselves in my home. Let’s just be honest. It’s not always possible to please everyone all the time. I’ve come to the realization if people aren’t having fun with you, in your home or with something you’ve created that’s their problem. Not yours.

When you start to truly trust your decision-making you don’t need as much validation from others. Just because someone disagrees with a decision you made doesn’t make you second-guess yourself.

 

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  1. You’ve finally figured out what qualities you’re looking for in a mate.

 I have always been a hopeless romantic. Even as a child I wanted to find love. For a very long time I didn’t know what I wanted, needed or deserved in a life partner. As I’ve gotten older things I thought were a big deal are suddenly not so much. Or things I didn’t place much value on moved up higher in the rankings. Really important with this one-notice I said qualities you’re looking for in a mate. You don’t necessarily have to have found that to say…

“I’m okay being single because this person doesn’t have the qualities I’m looking for in a partner”.

Even if you’re single you know your own relationship standards and you won’t settle for less. Those standards guide you and serve as a compass.

Never settle for anything less than an extraordinary love. 

 

Renee and Austin on their wedding day.

Renee and Austin on their wedding day.

 

  1. You’re comfortable spending time alone.

Growing up as an only child (this may confuse some of you as you’ve heard me speak about my sisters (another article for a different day) with a working, single mom I spent a lot of time alone. As a teenager and young adult I never wanted to spend time alone. I always wanted people around. In my 30’s I’ve come to relish my alone time.

I still love having people around and I love spending time with my husband but man, sometimes I like being able to sit on the couch with a glass of wine and watch my garbage television.

Another important part of this one that people struggle with is being able to go out and do things alone. Going out and eating dinner alone or having a glass of wine is not scary at all. It’s liberating! As it turns out, no one is staring at you and feeling sorry for you because you’re alone. If you’re worried about it take a look at the bar of any restaurant. There are always lots of people sitting down eating and drinking alone.

  1. You’ve cut toxic people out of your life. And you’re OKAY with it.

This one is so hard. I had to make a tough decision last year. Either deal with someone who was abusive or cut them out. I was in the middle of a very bad public situation that was very stressful. I decided that I had to make a choice for me. That’s not selfish. That’s being protective of you! I cut off communication with said person. It was difficult but there comes a point in your life when you have to say enough is enough. Abusive people will always continue to abuse you until you stand up for yourself and say “I’m not taking this anymore”. The bigger part of this scenario is that you have to be okay with cutting someone off. It’s hard. I questioned myself a lot but at the end of the day realized I made the decision and I needed to own it.

  1. You have figured out what makes you happy career-wise and have started doing it or have a plan to get there.

I’ve always known what I wanted to do as a career. Or at least a field. Somewhere along with the way I lost that direction. Perhaps taking a job     just to have a job when the economy is bad is just something you can’t control. However, I was working jobs that I didn’t love.

I was miserable. When you’re miserable you take it out on other people. I was just accepting these less than stellar careers and then making others unhappy because I was unhappy. I tend to give up when things get too hard.

I became complacent with doing nothing to make myself happy.

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I have always loved writing. I somehow lost that throughout the years. I always had one friend pushing me to write. Sometimes to the point of annoyance.

“Why aren’t you writing? It’s what you love and you’re good at it!” It finally just hit me. I need to make this happen. It’s not going to come to me without a little effort on my part. So I started contacting places that I thought might need writers and lo and behold here I am writing for Dish-y (well, that had already started) and for publication in Indianapolis. Michelle and I are even work to start a business.

If you aren’t happy with your career path sit down and figure out what you love to do. Then make a plan of how you can do that and make money. It might take a little time, effort and ingenuity but trust me it’s worth it in the end.

    1. You realize there is no such thing as “perfect”.

As women we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be the perfect friend,   sister, wife, mother, employee. It’s not realistic to think that we should all be size two (which I can tell you I don’t think I’ve ever been!). It’s not realistic to think that we should always wear makeup and have the perfect outfit for each event we attend. Sometimes you just have to let it go (you’re singing it in your head right now, aren’t you) and go out to the grocery store with no makeup.

Wear the flip flops because, lets be honest, heels hurt. Drink the glass of wine even though it’s not on your diet…maybe not the entire bottle which is a lesson I’m still teaching myself.  Oh, hell. Throw the diet out the window and ENJOY LIFE. Yes, still make time to work out to be healthy not just out of vanity.

  1. You’ve stopped letting your past be a crutch for your future.

This one is huge. HUGE. You like what I did there visually? In all seriousness, for a lot of years I used my past experiences in life to be a miserable person. I held grudges about the things that happened to me. I allowed myself to be reduced by them. I made myself a victim of myself.

See, people can do a lot of nasty things to you. How you choose manifest those things is all on you.

Yes, my dad wasn’t around growing up but I realized that wasn’t my husband’s fault. Guess whose fault that was? Ultimately, mine. Yes, there is blame to be put on my dad but me being nasty and unhappy was MY FAULT. I needed to realize the longer I held on to anger and hate the more it consumed me and took time away from my joy.

 

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Let it go, let it go. You’re singing again, aren’t you? Go on and do it. This is not to say that I have it all figured our or that my life is perfect. These are just little lessons that I’ve learned that I hope I can pass on to others to possibly spare them some of the turmoil I’ve experienced over the years. Life is too short to be anything less than happy. Work hard to create your happiness and you will be rewarded. 

 

9 Traits of Kick-Ass Friendships

Dish-y was born out of a friendship. Michelle and I have been friends for close to 18 years now. Wow, we’re old. In all seriousness, our friendship means a lot to us and we’ve learned a few lessons along the way. I’ve compiled a list of 9 characteristics that all kick-ass friendships have.

 

  1. Kick-ass friendships grow as each person does.

Life changes quickly. One minute you’re getting your driver’s license and the next minute you’re getting married. Good friendships should grow over time.

They should mature as each friend’s life changes. Maybe you don’t feel the need to be married or have kids but your best friend does. Just because you’re both at different places in your life doesn’t mean you can’t maintain a friendship.

Sure it’s going to be different but if everything stayed the same that would be pretty boring, right?

 

  1. Kick-ass  friendships aren’t formed out of convenience.

We’ve all been there. You start a new job and meet a super cool chick and you two start to commiserate at work about the horrible smells of people’s lunch or your co-workers incessant smacking of their food.

Sure, these kinds of friendships are great. It’s always nice to have someone you can rely on in the office. However, what sometimes happens is that when one person leaves the job the friendship falls apart. Kick-ass friendships sometimes aren’t convenient. It can be downright inconvenient to see a friend that moved to a different city, however, you have to make those friendships worth it.

 

  1. Kick-ass friendships can withstand periods of inactivity.

Michelle and I became friends in high school (if you’re good at math here is where you put together how old we are…I’ll keep my fingers crossed you’re like me and math isn’t your strong suit). College kept us separated because Michelle chose to attend IU and I chose to attend Ball State.

We each made the choice that was right for us. During this period we didn’t see each other a ton but we worked it out to see each other sometimes. After college, Michelle made the move to Nashville, TN. During that time we fell out of touch.

In fact, I fell out of touch with a lot of people. I had a lot of personal tragedy during that time and looking back was probably struggling more than I realized. Friendships and relationships suffered.

I was selfish but at the time all I could see was my own struggle.

At some point it hit me…I needed to get back in touch with Michelle and some of the others that I let slip away.

During that first reunion it was like nothing had changed except everything had changed. We both had been through so much and really could have used each other during those times. When we came back together it was like it had only been a day that had passed.

 

Michelle and Renee's Reunion

Michelle and Renee’s Reunion

 

  1. Kick-ass friendships don’t end because someone meets a guy.

Knowing a friend for close to 18 years means you can remember every guy she dated or had a crush on. Sorry, Austin and Rob…yes, we dated other guys before marrying you two.

I cannot remember a time during those 18 years where we ever let a guy come between us. Even when we had boyfriends we made time for each other. Now that we’re married we make time for each other!

That should never change because you have a significant other. I’m not saying your friend should take priority over your husband but showing her that she is still important to you goes a long way. Guys come and go (clearly) but your girlfriend is always there for you. Possibly with shots or wine if need be.

 

  1. Kick-ass friendships remember and celebrate important life events.

A kick-ass friendship should always celebrate life’s important events. Michelle and I were in each other’s weddings. We know each other’s birthdays. I may sometimes need to be reminded of her son’s birthday but I at least always ask.

Have you heard the saying “It’s the little things in life”? Well, the same holds true for friendships. Sending a card to cheer a friend up, texting her happy birthday, being there when a family member passes away are all things good friends do.

And guess what? They don’t involve much money. Telling a friend you’re lucky to have her once in a while is a great reminder of why you two are friends in the first place.

 

  1. Good friendships know that they are for a lifetime.

What I mean by this is simple. If you know going into something that it’s going to be a lifelong endeavor you work harder to maintain it. Look at marriage…if you go into it thinking this is forever, the only marriage I will ever have you are more likely to try and resolve misunderstandings.

If you ever have doubts about a friend in the beginning or they don’t show you how kick-ass they are at being your friend straight out of the gate then don’t waste your time because it will only get worse as life goes on.

 

  1. Kick-ass friendships can withstand misunderstandings.

In all the years I have known Michelle I don’t recall us ever having a misunderstanding. That’s not to say there hasn’t been one but if I can’t remember it then it must not be that big of a deal, right?

Look, disagreements, fights, whatever you want to call them happen sometimes in life. We can’t all agree 100% of the time. Again, if we did life would be so boring. However, when you do have a disagreement with a friend it’s important to know how to handle it.

 

Cat Fight

Cat Fight

 

If the situation is heated or people have been drinking it’s not the time to discuss a disagreement. Nothing gets accomplished. Take a step back and discuss it at a later time when everyone has had time to clear their head and really think about things. Address the argument head on and as adults.

Ignoring it only leads to bigger problems down the road. Explain your point but don’t argue. Apologize when necessary.

 

  1. Kick-ass friendships know how and when to apologize.

Okay, so you’ve a minor or even major disagreement with your friend. A kick-ass friend knows when it’s necessary to apologize. Even if you don’t think you’re wrong sometimes an apology is necessary.

I will repeat…even if you don’t think you’re wrong sometimes an apology is necessary.

If you’re going to apologize call your friend on the phone or speak face to face. Do not send a text or an email. It’s the chicken shit way out (for lack of a better term). Do not ever say “I’m sorry if you felt…”. No, do not say that. I’ve had this conversation with my husband before.

That is not how you phrase an apology because you’re placing the blame back on the friend for how she felt. Not on what you said or did.

I’m a big believer in remembering little things about your friends. Maybe she likes a certain kind of candy bar, drink at Starbucks or a flower. Offer the sincere apology with one of those little things that you know your friend likes. It shows you’re adult enough to apologize and a good friend who listens when she speaks.

 

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Favorite Flower

 

 

  1. Kick-ass friendships celebrate each other’s accomplishments.

Kick-ass friendships celebrate each person’s accomplishments.

There is no place for jealousy in a kick-ass friendship.

Did your friend get promoted yet again and you’re still stuck in a job you hate? A. You’re two different people. Meaning, you’re always going to be at different places in life. Just because she got promoted doesn’t mean you have to be doing stellar in your career. And B. If you’re unhappy about part of your life, you need to do something about it.

Take a risk.

Look for a job you love. Do things that will make you happy.

It’s one thing to vent your frustrations to your friend, however, if you’re always venting about the same thing it’s time to make a change. Be truly proud of your friends for their accomplishments because more than likely they’re proud of you, too!

 

In my 34 years of life on this planet I have learned that my personal relationships are the things that make me the happiest.

Life is all about the relationships you cultivate.

Here’s to another 18-plus years of friendship to Michelle and I.

And I wish that for each of you, too! Go kick ass in your friendships today!

 

 

Social Media Shaming

Recently, I was perusing Facebook in a moment of boredom waiting for my carryout order to be ready at a local restaurant. I came across a story detailing a body-shaming incident in London of a man caught on camera dancing. A woman not only photographed him dancing but also publicly mocked him regarding his weight via Twitter.

 

Fat Shaming

 

It took me back to that day in July of 2013. The horrible moment when my whole life became a public punch line. A joke. I was made a fool of and my life was splashed all across Twitter. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse…it did. News publications picked up the story and ran with it. It hit locally and quickly. The next day it hit Yahoo Finance, Business Insider and The Daily UK Mail. My life was now a joke internationally.

The tweets went on non-stop for about a 36-hour period. People were re-tweeting, posting screen shots, posting to Facebook. Social media users that had never met me nor knew anything about me were taking another person’s words for truth. Disgusting accusations were believed simply because of the platform. A large one…social media.

 

apple-hand-iphone-6-4322-525x350

 

Luckily for the man in London, Twitter users quickly defended him. Celebrities came to his aid and offered support. He’s going to have his very own dance party with celebrities. In my case, I was called a home-wrecker, a whore and threatened with violence by other Twitter users. I was scared to leave my house. In fact, I was scared to be in my house. I was scared all the time. Let’s face it. There are crazy people in this world. I wasn’t sure someone wouldn’t try to hurt me all because one woman used her platform in the wrong way.

Social media can be a great thing…when used correctly. In fact, it’s helped me in recent months tremendously. It can also be extremely detrimental. Why on Earth would anyone air their grievances with another person on social media? I see it every day. There is the passive aggressive Facebook post. “Some people” need to stop doing this or that or the other. There is the angry, bad customer service experience post. “Thanks, Company X for ruining my day because you did something stupid”. (I use company X because I refuse to name anyone publicly.) There is the photo evidence Facebook post. “Look at how this jackass parked.” Followed by a pic of the vehicle along with its license plate number.

It’s constant. It’s forced down our throat at every turn. I got to thinking…what did we do with our grievances before social media? Did we tell a friend straight up how we felt about a situation? Did we confront a person face to face if we didn’t like how they parked? Did we complain to a manager about a bad customer service experience? When did we become so passive aggressive with our interactions?

 

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I believe the reason social media shaming has become so prevalent in today’s society is because its so much easier to be a badass sitting behind a computer versus a face-to-face confrontation. Nastier words can be spit out if a person isn’t staring you in the eye. In a world ruled by instant gratification the damage is done as soon as you click post.

What are we teaching our children? Recently, a friend relayed a story to me about her son learning how to Google his parents’ names in school that day. His teacher had taught them about Google and each child looked up his/her parents. Immediately, my mind went to that place…what if one day my child Google’s my name and finds all these horrible things?

It’s easy to use social media to bash each other. Admittedly, I’ve probably posted things I shouldn’t. I would have plenty of ammunition to use against the person who socially shamed me but I won’t. I refuse. I have no ill words to say about her. In fact, I forgive her for what she did. My life is too short for me harbor ill will or hate. I’m sure in her eyes what she was doing was validated in some way. People have told me I need to “put this all behind me”, to “move on with my life” and so on. I agree. I do need to put the negative aspect of this situation behind me and move on with life, however, I think my story is part of a bigger picture. I refuse to leave that part of it behind.

I would like to start a #stopsocialshaming campaign. I would like to ask all of you reading this to sign our pledge to #stopsocialshaming.

http://www.dish-y.com/stopsocialshaming/

Let’s start using our voices for good. Let’s be a positive change in the eyes, ears and minds of other social media users. Let’s make this our dance party.

The pledge to Stop Social Shaming on Dish-y.com

The Silver Lining for Renee Larr

Renee Larr, my co-editor at Dish-y.com, has been one of my best friends for more than half my lifetime. It was a little over a year ago that my dear friend suggested to me that we work together to start a blog. We share similar interests surrounding food, entertaining, and the like. We thought we could turn some of our experience into advice, inspiration, and encouragement for women going through life’s transitions like getting married and having babies.

Writing a blog struck us both as a refreshing idea, particularly since we were each facing some personal struggles and needed a positive and uplifting change in our lives at that time. Right before Renee suggested to me that we start a blog together, she had been unjustly dragged into an ordeal that would end up costing her a job, causing a lot of undue stress, and temporarily defacing her reputation.

→ Also Read: Renee Larr is Not Defined By Her Search Results

I’m not here to tell the gory details of what my friend has experienced over the last year. But I want to talk a little about the silver lining that has emerged as a result of the situation.

Like Dish-y.com on Facebook!See, having the ability to come through a difficult situation and identify the silver lining can help a person to extract joy from life even in a time of intense pain or discomfort. That’s a quality that Renee and I share, and we are each stronger women today because of it.

The long and short of it is that Renee was accused of adultery by the wife of a high profile Indianapolis business man in 2013. This accusation surfaced a little over a year after Renee was newly married. Luckily her husband, Austin, is a smart and compassionate man, and their marriage has remained completely unscathed as a result of this ordeal. He has been there every step of the way to support her during the suffering she endured as the cyber attack unfolded and developed.

Austin, you are a good man. Thank you for taking care of our girl.

Renee has spent the last 16 months trying to get this tremendously ridiculous situation resolved. Finally just last week, the woman who calls herself VeeVee posted a public apology on her website, admitting that none of her terrible accusations and inappropriate comments were ever based in fact. Since that post will likely soon be removed from her site, I captured a screenshot showing the public apology for the viewing pleasure of any who may read this story. We’d hate for you to miss it.

VeeVee apology to Renee Larr - schreenshot from VeeVee.com

This was an intensely painful and stressful situation for my dear friend, Renee Larr. She enjoyed none of it. So, how could anything positive come of it? Where the hell is the silver lining?

Well, that’s the thing about positivity. People who practice it manufacture joy even in the depths of their most shitty life situations.

Renee and I, in the midst of our suffering and in response to our personal struggles, created a blog that has become a very positive influence in our lives. Aside from the personal enjoyment, this blog could someday turn into a source of income for both of us—potentially replacing that job Renee lost. How’s that for a silver lining?

Padding the silver lining is a happy side effect that boosts our new blog’s performance. This whole ordeal has made “Renee Larr” our best-selling and most popular keyword! I’d almost like to shake the woman’s hand and thank her for the publicity that has driven a handsome handful of visitors to our site. Effortless site traffic, and I’m an SEO junkie. I love it.

Even though I know that when someone searches for Renee Larr and lands on our site, they are probably looking for the scandalous, made-up story. But I like to think that perhaps people are more intrigued by the story we tell on Dish-y.com. That’s because we spend our energy trying to help people enjoy their lives. We focus our time on helping promote the feel good factor. You’ll find anything but that if you pursue the lies. Which do you prefer?

Renee Larr and I created beauty during one of the darkest times in our lives. That in itself is the perfect silver lining for this situation in my humble opinion. Now that the darkness is fading, the wonderful, positive influence we made for our lives remains. And we’ll just keep creating more beauty and extracting more joy from it.

Call it glass half full, optimism, positivity, a silver lining, faith—whatever you want. We call it the best way to live life to the fullest.

the silver lining for Renee Larr

8 Habits You Need to Focus On to Take You from Effectiveness to Greatness

Here at Dish-y we think being your best self is important. We’re constantly striving to better ourselves. In doing so we’ve noticed some habits that we as a people are slowing losing and why they’re important in our daily lives. Listed are 8 habits you need to focus on to take you from effectiveness to greatness.

1. Greeting People with Pleasantries-Do you walk right past your co-workers without saying “Good Morning”? Do you greet the Starbucks barista with a “Good Afternoon”? People like to feel like you notice them. When you walk up to the counter to order your latte and just spit out your order it makes the barista feel like you think you’re better than them and less likely to make your drink correctly.

 

Greet co-workers with a good morning!

Greet co-workers with a good morning!

 

2. Arriving on Time-Let me just say…I HATE being late. It drives me crazy and yet I’m married to a perpetually late man. I have friends who couldn’t make it on time to their own funeral. However, when you’re to an appointment it comes across as disrespectful, disorganized and unreliable even if you’re not. When you’re habitually late to meet your friends it say you don’t respect their time. I mean, don’t we all have crazy lives and lots on our plate? Sure, we do but lots of people still show up on time.

3. Handwritten Thank You Cards-Thank You cards aren’t just for wedding and baby shower gifts. I think people seem to have forgotten that in recent years. Have you had someone go above and beyond for you at work? If so, thank that person with a handwritten thank you card. You can show your appreciation for the time they’ve given you by giving them some time of your own.

 

Send Handwritten Thank You Cards

Send Handwritten Thank You Cards

 

4. Eating Dinner Together-I think maybe I should re-phrase this to say…eating dinner together without any interruptions such as television, phones or computers. In a time when we’re all available 24/7 it can be easy to get caught up in checking your emails while eating dinner. Family is the most important thing we have in this short life. Do you really want to spend your time on your email or spending time with your family?

5. Using Proper Grammar-In the digital age of texting and emails, we’ve lost our sense of the proper use of the English language. Sure, abbreviating words and phrases to “YAW” (You Are Welcome) or “BTW” (By the Way) is quick and easy in a text message, however, they have no place in a business email. When you show attention to detail by using proper grammar, it tells your employer you will show attention to all of your work.

 

Use Proper Grammar

Use Proper Grammar

 

6. Welcoming New Neighbors to the Neighborhood-Typically, when a new neighbor moves into the neighborhood you should, at the very least, knock on the door and introduce yourself. I was shocked when we moved last June. We received pies, bottles of wine and cards on our doorstep. Our previous neighbors never once stopped by, waved or ever brought over food! Now, I like to meet the new neighbors first and then put together a basket based on my guess of their likes.

7. Please and Thank You-It sounds silly but you can never use please and thank you too much. You should be using please and thank you in your day-to-day conversations with your spouse or parent. Using these words shows respect for the person to whom you’re speaking.

8. Actually Speaking to Your Friends-I’m guilty of this habit. I admit. All too often, I will text a friend rather than picking up the phone and calling. It’s true there are certain times when texting is more appropriate…while you’re at work, for example. If you’re intent is to catch up with a friend then pick up the phone and call them!

Choose one of these 8 habits each day you’ll be on your way from effectivess to greatness in no time!